Friday, October 30, 2009

Silencing of the Lambs - The Girlfriend Experiment

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Due to the continuous nagging and annoying whining, and general irritating behaviour made by my girlfriend I decided to conduct an experiment which would either annoy her into submission or result in me being physically assaulted. What that means in plan English is that I was going to provoke her in few different ways and see how she responded to them and yes, if the response was violent she would be restrained in which ever non painful way which was available to me. In order to gain an accurate measure of the success of the experiment, I was forced to include two more unsuspecting victims, my two friends; one male and the other female.
Before you take me to court I must say that the participants involved did consent to these actions and did some a somewhat dodgy but acceptable indemnity form, stating that I would not be held responsible for any grievous bodily harm.
To begin with I started by performing the age old “wet willy” experiment, whereby I put a little bit of spittle in on my finger and proceed to put it in the ear of my lab rats, while I held their hands. Sadly it was not as effective as I hoped. Hence another more inspiring method had to be employed. So I decided to continuously poke the subject with a finger to see how long it would take before they attempted to slap me or assault me with a choice weapon. One subject proved to be highly responsive to this method and proceeded to bite me. I was immediately forced to restrain her by taping her hands and feet together with masking tape and putting her against the door of my room. Seeing this opportunity the other two test subjects began launched an attack on me resulting in minor injuries to the laptop, cell phones and various other objects that were within the line of fire.
Ultimately the experiment failed dismally with no actual results recorded but a significant amount of masking tape was used to subdue and quell the efforts of the mutinous test subjects. An hour well spent.

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